Sexy is Scary
Was watching some random show on the TV last night where they instruct people how to dress in a certain way because they wear horrendous clothes. A lady on it said she was scared to be sexy. She was scared that people would notice her and stare at her and she did not like that.
I think I completely understand what she was saying. I have spent a greater part of my adult life, trying to hide behind over sized shirts and caps. One of the reasons was that I did not care and wanted to be one of the boys. The other reason was, I was perfectly content blending into the walls and staying out of trouble and that was because of a lot of different reasons.
As a kid when I went out with my parents , I was always the quiet child, sitting in the corner. I am guessing it is hard to believe this considering the amount I talk now, even with strangers. But it is the truth and being fat with geeky glasses did not help. My dad always made an effort to point out my social awkwardness in front of random people asking me why I did not talk. He was probably trying to get me out of my shell but the truth is it just embarrassed me further and made me want to blend with the furniture. I am sure, this is not just me as a child. Some people just do not thrive in the limelight. I enjoyed the backstage and work behind the curtains because no one noticed me and since I did not care for any credit I was happy.This feeling and my dad calling me out, lingered for some time and even now when I am around him I try to stay in the background.
Then there was engineering school and I tried to do the same but my personality for some reason started to develop and I found a confident me. A girl who was not scared to speak her mind and stand her ground and even try and beat up a guy twice her size. This mental confidence still did not materialise into physical confidence, in my head I was still the fat kid with glasses. I remember one formal day when I wore a skirt and all the guys made such a big deal about it. All I wanted to do was get back into my jeans and denim shirt so that they would focus on the others. Impressing the boys was the last priority in my list. I did not want them ranking me like they did the others. I do not know because no one ever told me but I think to some level I was successful because they looked at me as one of the guys.
As time progressed and I lost all the weight and headed out to Michigan. There was a change and I am not sure where it materialised from but I am guessing having a boy friend who constantly complemented was a boost. Dressing up and looking remotely decent is something I do not cringe from now. I actually thrive on it and like the attention at times.
I am still scared of being sexy.Too much attention makes me wonder what the person wants from me. I know I should take it as a compliment but I want to always turn around and ask, why are you looking at me that way, I am just a normal jeans wearing engineer. I am not one of those people who pays attention to dressing up and doing hair.I can get ready in 10min for a party and be completely fine with hair flying all over the place. In reality I am still happy blending into the walls and being a part of the furniture. That is one of the reasons I do backstage for theater because I am petrified of the stage. Some traits just stick with you for life and no idea if I will ever be completely fine with being in my skin and being called sexy at the same time.
As a kid when I went out with my parents , I was always the quiet child, sitting in the corner. I am guessing it is hard to believe this considering the amount I talk now, even with strangers. But it is the truth and being fat with geeky glasses did not help. My dad always made an effort to point out my social awkwardness in front of random people asking me why I did not talk. He was probably trying to get me out of my shell but the truth is it just embarrassed me further and made me want to blend with the furniture. I am sure, this is not just me as a child. Some people just do not thrive in the limelight. I enjoyed the backstage and work behind the curtains because no one noticed me and since I did not care for any credit I was happy.This feeling and my dad calling me out, lingered for some time and even now when I am around him I try to stay in the background.
Then there was engineering school and I tried to do the same but my personality for some reason started to develop and I found a confident me. A girl who was not scared to speak her mind and stand her ground and even try and beat up a guy twice her size. This mental confidence still did not materialise into physical confidence, in my head I was still the fat kid with glasses. I remember one formal day when I wore a skirt and all the guys made such a big deal about it. All I wanted to do was get back into my jeans and denim shirt so that they would focus on the others. Impressing the boys was the last priority in my list. I did not want them ranking me like they did the others. I do not know because no one ever told me but I think to some level I was successful because they looked at me as one of the guys.
As time progressed and I lost all the weight and headed out to Michigan. There was a change and I am not sure where it materialised from but I am guessing having a boy friend who constantly complemented was a boost. Dressing up and looking remotely decent is something I do not cringe from now. I actually thrive on it and like the attention at times.
I am still scared of being sexy.Too much attention makes me wonder what the person wants from me. I know I should take it as a compliment but I want to always turn around and ask, why are you looking at me that way, I am just a normal jeans wearing engineer. I am not one of those people who pays attention to dressing up and doing hair.I can get ready in 10min for a party and be completely fine with hair flying all over the place. In reality I am still happy blending into the walls and being a part of the furniture. That is one of the reasons I do backstage for theater because I am petrified of the stage. Some traits just stick with you for life and no idea if I will ever be completely fine with being in my skin and being called sexy at the same time.
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