The Breakdown or Break

The I always say "Yes" face, the constant enthusiasm and the inherent need to deliver a result no matter what the situation, I am one of those that has over the years learnt to test my limits and push myself to work 120%. One of the people who works with me called me unstoppable and I took it as a compliment though I should not in retrospect. So when a person like me who can't seem to find the brakes, crashes, the burn is probably worse than most. 

The personal life has never been easy for me but it has never overwhelmed me to start affecting my professional life. Last year I lost my maternal grandparents to Covid in a span of 20 days, had my parents sick with it after with me being the caregiver at home and then saw close friends, colleagues and millions in India struggle through the two waves. While all of this was going on in the first wave, we as an organisation stepped up to help fundraise with GiveIndia and personally I was active in various fundraisers. In the second wave while the condition was worse, there was not much we could do specially when nonprofits all across were struggling themselves with personal issues and to identify the role they could play on the ground . So the sense of helplessness was high with the body giving up at some point to Covid too. After all this was over, my body and mind just gave up on me leading to high anxiety and extreme fatigue. My psychologist's basic explanation was, "Its time to stop, it's a burnout".  With all the energy I generally have, I thought "why me" but then I am not unique.

From a covid survey and conversations conducted at the Centre for Social Impact and Philanthropy with ~100+ nonprofit leaders , the general trend has indicated that a lot of them were in the same boat as I was in the last year and half. From family, friends, themselves being sick to their teams struggling with burnout to immense pressure from funders and stakeholders with dwindling budgets and an ever increasing list of work. Each one has a story to tell of an internal struggle that they have faced and managed to take in their stride because they could not afford to falter lest their teams struggle more than they already were. Not many acknowledged publicly but from their conversations it was very evident that many were close to a burnout 

When I went to business school the professors worked with us so that we could find our true north and be our authentic self to achieve the best goals. In the social impact space leaders have already identified their true north so their passion to keep going and working to serve the ground in every possible way pushes them to forget the self and keep going. While this has always been unhealthy and somehow used to work in pre-Covid times, in the last year we have seen stark issues with this approach. Mental health cases have increased substantially as one needed to stop, take time off for the self and for everyone working around them to ensure they did not collapse from a physical and mental breakdown.

We talk about a resilient sector and of building structures and processes in our organisations so that we survive the worst storms but do we actually think of doing the same for our people, our leaders and specially ourselves. Do we actually learn to look past those brave smiling faces that are ready to help the millions and check if they are ok. If the fatigue has not set in, in the last year, it will start manifesting now as we go back to the new normal and start trying to readjust to the world with all this baggage we have not put to rest. Its essential that we stop, take some time for ourselves and our people and really question who is the most important stakeholder. As my boss told me when the first wave started, "The people are the most important, if we don't have them in a good state then we wont be able to do anything. They always come first. "

So while we go spiralling down this tunnel where we have train coming our way instead of a light at the end of it, lets take some time to breath, reevaluate where we stand and what we can do and then restart the struggles because to be honest, no one is sure when this will end but when it will, we need to be standing to keep fighting .